December 20, 2010

Plowing through the funk

{I'm still in one}
I'm still feeling so disappointed about some things. But it's also combined with a "hey-jerk-you're-so-ungrateful-didn't-you-just-have-something-undeniably-beautiful-happen-a few weeks-ago" guilt whisper in my ear. All I can see is what's missing. My glass is half empty, baby. And how's this?........I want our life to be different. Like really, really different. So much of it is in the details of our daily routine. But even MORE is bigger than that. And I feel paralyzed by all the need tos, should have, change this, change that, really want tos, could haves, what ifs, hope tos piling in my brain. How is it all going to work out? It's a lot. I can't sleep.
For now, I'm telling myself it's ok. Everything will work out. And this funk? It's just a phase. You'll snap out of it. The important things will change. And you'll discover exactly what it is you need. You'll start to move forward and you'll see change which will facilitate for more change and eventually you and this little family will be right where you hoped and the disappointment will be totally forgotten. And all those times you wished, hoped and literally prayed, "can I please please please be more than I am right now?" will lead to later when you'll think about this part of your story and say to yourself, "I'm so much better than I was".
P.S. I can't stop feeling like this is an important year for us.
P.S. I don't feel like photographing. But I do have about four quilts in my head that I want to get started on.

4 comments:

  1. I know "the funk" well. If there's one thing I've learned over the past three years of life not working out how we planned and envisioned it, it's that I am not in charge. Sometimes I'm just along for the ride - often I'm hanging on for dear life. But, I'm really thankful that the things I thought were important in life (and the life I dreamed of having) are not what really matter. Now I'm trying to work on the things that do.

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  2. I feel your pain. Had a meltdown last weekend and part of it was feeling that my life is blech! And I'd like some different things in my life too. Not sure how and if they'll happen. They may or may not be important in the longterm scheme of things like Annette said. I'm still working thru some of that.

    And all this after I have dejunked a good portion of my life--at least I thought so.

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  3. I know what you mean. Those days are my "hair in my face" kinda days. Everything's bugging me, and I'm not sure how to fix it or where to start. You'll get there. The problems come for me when I worry about being worried. You're doing much better than you think you are!

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  4. I've been in a similar funk for about six months now, hoping for a big, positive change for our family. Finally realized I need to have more faith, be more patient, be more grateful . . . you get the picture. Some days better than others, but overall looking up. You are great, Leslie!

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