June 05, 2012

Paranoia will destroy-ya

I keep having fears that this baby will come really early. Like, in the next 2-3 weeks early. We are not ready. I am not ready. Oh, please no. Even though I'm uncomfortable and feeling like crap in some way at all times. Still, please no. I suppose it stems from M's traumatic to me barely-made-it-to-the-hospital-are-you-kidding-me-no-epidural-I'm-not-that-kind-of-girl birth. Or the scariest week of my life in February. Ugh. So I try to do really superficial things and AVOID by stuffing in more superficial things. I fear the emotional outbursts L will have trying to adjust to a third. That her insane waking up in the middle of the night hysterics will return. Oh my gosh, I can't do that ever, ever, ever again. Which means it will happen. Please, no. I fear having to be at my best and on top of my motherhood game when I am at my physical and emotional worst. Oh, how I hate the newborn phase. I fear the sleepless nights. What am I going to do with three kids? How will I entertain the other two in the middle of the summer while I try to recover and feed a newborn all day, every day? How in the world am I going to go grocery shopping? Just lots of fear. Yep, I fear that I will never feel good again. I fear that I will keep failing at the really, really important things. I fear that my mind will not be able to turn off these thoughts and I will be up all night. Stewing. Worrying. Freaking out in general. Oh crap, trying to remember who all is invited to read this blog besides my mom and my sisters.